Right now, I am struggling to just be with what I am currently experiencing emotionally. In the past two blog entries, I had begun to explore how race and culture have impacted the ways in which I have interpreted my becoming another year older. This inquiry has left me in a place where I am learning to just be with what feels like my own “undesirability” in ways that are powerful and help me to grow.
It’s a struggle to find that place for myself where my confidence isn’t derived from my external achievements, my appearances, or the games that one plays when they are participating in “the hunt.” And although how men behave towards me has nothing to do with my intrinsic value or self-worth, being left by Aaron and others plays to my insecurities, which in the past I’ve mentioned revolve around the story that I an umworthy and not good enough to “keep” my men.
My tendency in this kind of situation is to withdraw, … to cut off my connections and retreat behind my self-imposed silence. Yet, I know that the evolutionary impulse is not to contract but to expand. It is to open up to the world and express more of who we are. And as I sit with my own undesirability, I can’t help but marvel at the irony that true intimacy comes from being completely open and vulnerable to the world.