The Clearest Picture

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Again, Intimacy seems to be the recurring theme of this week. And as I distinguished earlier, Intimacy first begins with the best possible relationship my Self. Beyond that, I am confronted by a very basic yet fundamental question: If I want Intimacy, what does that look like?

Regardless of whether it’s Intimacy or Peace or Prosperity that I seek, it is insufficient to just want something. I have to know what it looks like for me to successfully have that quality in my life. I need to have a clear picture of what exactly it is that I want. For nothing can exist without if it does not first exist within.

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Drawing Closer

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“Intimacy with self and the spiritual are completely within our control; intimacy with others is less so. This makes us appreciate each moment of human closeness more, as it is elusive, more like unexpected gifts than personal possessions.” – Laurel Mellin, M.A., R.D., The Pathway

In yesterday’s blog entry, I began to actively reflect on the nature of Intimacy. As if to respond to me directly, Life gave me the above from my reading on the morning commute.

How many of us yearn for that deep connection with others? How many of us forget that that connection occurs naturally by virtue of sharing the human experience?

And the irony of intimacy is that we make ourselves open to others by drawing closer to our Self. …

On Intimacy

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Yesterday’s Vinyasa class was definitely a doozy, even though it was much-needed. Instructor, Sean Feit, of Yoga Mandala Studio had us meditating on how present with our own lives. He said something that has been resonating inside of me all day: “Intimacy is the distance between you and your life.

As someone who has recently distinguished for himself just how much I seek Intimacy as one of life’s fruits, this really gave me a place that helps me just check in with myself. Am I feeling disconnected with my life? What is creating distance between me and what I might be experiencing?

Undesirable

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Right now, I am struggling to just be with what I am currently experiencing emotionally. In the past two blog entries, I had begun to explore how race and culture have impacted the ways in which I have interpreted my becoming another year older. This inquiry has left me in a place where I am learning to just be with what feels like my own “undesirability” in ways that are powerful and help me to grow.

It’s a struggle to find that place for myself where my confidence isn’t derived from my external achievements, my appearances, or the games that one plays when they are participating in “the hunt.” And although how men behave towards me has nothing to do with my intrinsic value or self-worth, being left by Aaron and others plays to my insecurities, which in the past I’ve mentioned revolve around the story that I an umworthy and not good enough to “keep” my men.

My tendency in this kind of situation is to withdraw, … to cut off my connections and retreat behind my self-imposed silence. Yet, I know that the evolutionary impulse is not to contract but to expand. It is to open up to the world and express more of who we are. And as I sit with my own undesirability, I can’t help but marvel at the irony that true intimacy comes from being completely open and vulnerable to the world.

Outgrowing

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The drawback to being home, under the weather, is that there’s plenty of time to stew in my crazy thoughts and have them spin off into unproductive trains. 😦  Yet, there was one small breakthrough that I had that made a difference for me and how I thought about Aaron.

Even though each of us has different attitudes about what we would want our reuniting at the end of four years (if it happens) to look like, I think there’s a sense on both of our parts that we will definitely not be the same two people who fell in love with each other in the past two years. I can’t speak for Aaron, but I know that there’s a part of me that had resisted the idea of us changing so much in the next four years.

After contemplating more this morning, I realized that the resistance boiled down to a fundamental way that the mind operates. Human beings, in general, are hardwired to resist change. We look to recognize, identify, and categorize things. We don’t like to have our making sense of something suddenly be interrupted by a change, because it means that something is unfamiliar… it means that it no longer makes sense. Nowhere is this more true, I think, than in relationships. We go through all the work of getting to know someone, because in that knowing, we become special because we know our significant other in a way that others may not. So not only do we resist the change in what used to make sense to us, but we also make it mean that we do not enjoy the same kind of intimacy we used to enjoy when we had that person all figured out.

Realizing that this mis-belief was operating in my consciousness, I take responsibility for the ways in which it has affected my interactions with Aaron. I acknowledge that coming from that belief has meant that I’ve secretly been holding him back, which is not what I want. I want Aaron to flourish. I want Aaron to soar. I want him to outgrow me, because it means that he really has succeeded in transforming his life, and that’s all I could ever hope for him regardless of whether knowing him or not leads to us reuniting in the future.

Not What You Call Me

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I don’t know if I’m doing this because I want to make myself feel better about a sad situation. Or perhaps, I really do believe this. There are two seemingly trivial things with which I’ve been struggling that revolve around what I share with Aaron.

First, Aaron and I share a term of endearment for each other (“sweetie”). It took a long time for us to get to the place where we strictly referred to each other by that term, and now it feels like we’ve forgotten what each other’s names are. LOL. Really, though, as we look towards breaking up, one thing that breaks my heart is to have to begin calling Aaron by his name again, because I feel like I’m like everyone else in his life, rather than his sweetie….

Second, when Aaron leaves on September 2nd and we break up, won’t I have to change our relationship status on my Facebook page? I know it seems so small, but in many ways, our relationship is defined by how the world sees us. So I think I’ll just remove my relationship status as an option altogether from my profile.

Now for the part where I make myself feel better about all this. It’s not about what we call each other or what others call us: It’s who we’re being… There are plenty of relationships in the world that aren’t healthy. And there are plenty of people who have the most intimate connection, yet there’s is a platonic friendship.

Who I choose to be, then, is Aaron’s partner in whatever ways I can be. That doesn’t change because of distance. And for me to do that, I get to turn inwards and focus on my own growth and transformation….