I’m sad. I miss Jon immensely. I didn’t think that we could get so used to each other in the ten days that he came to visit. Yet, here I am looking at the apartment devoid of his belongings, … and I miss him already. … To put things in perspective, I am deeply grateful that I have him as a partner with whom I have already experienced such growth. So being apart isn’t about something missing from my life; rather, it is about the deep knowing that I share something special and sacred with someone for whom I have grown to have the utmost respect. …
As I sit with this sadness, then, all there is to do is to breathe. And as I breathe, I notice that it occurs regardless of any effort on my part. I follow this breath all the way down, and I remember that this breath is connected to the breath of Life that breathes all things.
I continue to be gripped by the irrational fear I have of abandonment. I want to let go of this fear. And yet, I’m clear that I’m holding on because doing so allows me to hold on to the sense of Self that I’ve created for myself over the years. We forget that identity is malleable, and in many ways, a function of the choices we make to survive in the world. That is the irony of identity. We construct a sense of who we are as if it is real; yet, to grow, we must let go of our hold on who we think we are in order to move towards another level of being.
Holy wisdom holds that we cannot serve two masters. We cannot hope to become the person we wish to be if we cling desperately to who we are. Eventually, we have to let go.
The price demanded of us for complete and total Transformation is all of us. …
I haven’t been writing much, because it feels like Life is speaking directly to me right now and the best thing to do is simply to listen. One of the insights that has emerged in the silence is a deeper appreciation for the nature of obstacles and challenges in my life. Like most folks, I’ve grown up thinking that obstacles and challenges are things that need to be dominated and overcome. As such, there’s a bit of resistance to them. As I’ve grown wiser in my years, I’ve begun to see obstacles and challenges as contributions to my growth and evolution into my highest Self.
Only recently have I begun to appreciate obstacles and challenges in a whole new way. I’m only beginning to embrace that Life doesn’t have to be difficult. In fact, Life’s natural default setting is one of Simplicity, Efficiency, and Ease. It’s only the drama of human being that makes things complicated.
If it is the case that Life is inherently simple and easy, then everything that happens, especially the painful stuff, supports us in returning back to that default setting.
As I have asserted in other blog entries, relationships – especially those of the romantic variety – are the perfect space for practicing our spiritual realizations. I might grasp an insight for myself, yet it doesn’t come alive until I bring it into the context of “real life.”
One of the disempowering beliefs that I have uncovered about myself in the past year is “I need to be at a certain level of spiritual maturity and development to effectively participate in a relationship.” The reality is that there will always be more on which I get to work. Waiting before I am at a certain point I deem “developed” robs me of the rich messiness of living, loving, and learning in a relationship.
The self with whom I get to work is all that I have. If I can practice this self-acceptance, authentic Love becomes possible. And when I can practice this love, then I can begin to accept others exactly where they’re at too. …
One of the things I have come to more fully appreciate is Nature’s rhythm. … Nothing can be made to grow faster than it is meant to grow. You cannot reap any fruit if the fruit has yet to bloom. … There is a time to act, a time to stretch and move; and there is a time for non-action and stillness.
In all of this, Life unfolds. And it unfolds in spite of us. There is nothing to force. There only really is Being. … That does not absolve us of not trying to make the best life possible. Rather, we are called to make the most of what Life gives us. And in return, Life will provide us with what we need to make the most of this incarnation.
My Well-Being is completely out the window. I’ve already been worn down physically and emotionally over the past weeks. Getting only 2.5 hours of sleep last night just put me over, pressing me against the ropes. I’ve pushed my body to its limits.
Human beings have a strange relationship to limits. By our very nature, our tendency is towards the free and full self-expression of who we are. Some of the most world-shattering revolutions occurred, because someone was placing limits on someone else’s expressions. This is perhaps the most extreme example of how we as human beings dislike limits.
And when we confront limits, we are reminded of what we perceive to be our own inadequacies. We see limits as barriers to be overcome and pushed against. Again, the underlying belief is that limits are bad and something to resist.
Yet, there is the other side of limits. Limits provide the context for how we operate in the world. They expose the places that are our growing edge. They force us to admit that “I can’t” and therefore, give us an opportunity to move towards “I can, and I will.”
This morning, I was just noticing the feeling of “not enough”-ness that was coming up for me: I’m not a good enough son; I’m not a stable enough partner; I’m not financially independent enough; I don’t have enough discipline. … This long litany wore me out!
Then, the truth came up and reminded me of something. We came into this world with all we need to be able to live our lives to the fullest. That’s not to say that there aren’t external challenges and systems with which we must contend. Yet, even with those things, we have what it takes to rise above them.