Walking In His Shoes

I think my boss/friend should start charging me. Every time I ride home with her, she’s asked me enough questions to move through whatever I’m struggling with in my head, it feels like more therapy. Her questions had me really become aware of the ways in which I haven’t lived up to the commitments I made to Aaron before we agreed to take time apart from each other.

I was sharing with her the ways in which I felt like I was putting things on hold for a bit, because I didn’t know what choices I needed to make. She asked what I wanted to hear from Aaron once we reconnected in April. Without answering, I already knew that I was standing again in the impossible space of wanting him to somehow magically come back, say that the time apart helped him to realize that he made a mistake, and that he wanted to give Us another a chance. That’s not going to happen, and I’m setting myself up for even more upset in the future by holding on to that story.

Then, she asked me to clarify for her again why Aaron and I had agreed to take the six months apart in the first place. After a brief silence, I admitted that secretly I wanted the six months to be enough time for him to experience the kind of agony I’ve suffered not having him in my life. And I felt ashamed for that. The last thing I would ever want is for Aaron to be in pain. I couldn’t bear the thought of him hurting when we were together; I can’t bear it now. … And I had to take responsibility for how, on some sick level, I believed that if Aaron could understand how this transition has hurt me, then it would somehow draw us closer together.

That’s not what this six months is about. That’s not what the healing is about. It’s about walking in Aaron’s shoes, as my boss encouraged me to do. It’s about realizing that, if I were in his situation, I would be doing the exact same things he is: I would be living my life to the fullest, making friends with as many people as possible, and experiencing as many new things as I could. And had I gone away, I would’ve continued loving Aaron with no less intensity than if we were physically together. Why, then, would it be any different for him? …

Choices to Make

I had a wonderfully fulfilling and heartfelt conversation with a friend yesterday, and I was sharing with him how I feel like I’m in limbo right with the situation with Aaron. There are so many things I want to share with him, so many questions I want to ask him, so many stories I want him to tell me about all his adventures in Glasgow.  And in the limbo, it feels like there are choices that I wish I could be able to make, choices that must be deferred for some future that has yet to present itself.

And yet, here I am in the here and now. I have choices that I get to make right now, choices that could make a difference for me, … choices that might allow me to create Happiness for myself in the present.

How do I make choices for myself now when part of me still wants to wait for the potential choices I might be able to make in the future?

Work It Out

What’s this? A blog post that’s not about Aaron?? … Lol … I’m very inspired right now by my cousin, Randy. I was talking to my Mom, and in our usual conversation flow, she wanted to emotionally dump on me about my Dad. I’ve been working hard to distinguish those things for which I get to take responsibility, from those things over which I have no control and therefore, should leave alone (like my Mom and Dad’s quarreling).

And in the ways that the Wisdom of Life provides immediate learning opportunities, my niece and nephew started to fight. My automatic tendency was to jump in and squelch the argument, which only exacerbated the situation. Their father, Randy, came in and was able to de-escalate it quickly. Afterwards, I processed with him how he was able to handle it, and he shared that he tries to give the kids the space to work it out for themselves.

What a concept: Only take responsibility for that which is mine, and let things work themselves out. For a control-freak like me, this is a huge lesson I have learned and will continue to learn.

So I let things be as they need to be. (Yes, that eventually circled back to the situation with Aaron. Haha.)

The Approaching Cold

This evening, I looked up into the clear skies to see the Big Dipper. I closed my eyes and breathed in the chill, crisp air of winter. The scent of fireplaces warming someone’s home snuck itself into that breath. And I was transported to a memory … or rather, a conglomeration of memories … in which I recalled the warmth I felt being held in Aaron’s arms as we sat on the couch and watched TV.

How do you get over someone when they are in your mind, … in your heart?How do you get over someone when, even when you close your eyes, they are there? When do I get to the point where my mind isn’t thinking, “I wish he were here to share this with”? How much longer before these memories cease keeping me warm?

And I opened my eyes and breathed a deep sigh, because I realized that I was getting cold. …

The Best in Me

As I was walking to BART this morning, I reflected on who I have been in the past few months. I just noticed all the different ways in which I have been neurotic, judgmental, and swinging from emotional high to emotional low and back again. I was just exhausted thinking about all of it. And then I got present to and grateful for all the ways that Aaron listened me in the past, particularly in the past few months. Aaron was moving through so much as he prepared to move to another country to start a whole new life, and as much as I said I was supportive, I was equally resistant to all of the change.

Perhaps, this is one of the things that I most appreciated about Aaron: His listening of me. He had plenty of reasons to walk out the door, and in the end, he was the one who stayed in it. He was the one that put the stake in the ground and stood for our relationship. Not once did he threaten to walk out the door. He listened for who I really am. He listened for Us.

And I am humbled, because he taught me that he didn’t have to do that. I get to do that for myself. I get to listen for the best in me. And right now, that feels like one of the most precious gifts I have received from the Love we shared.

The One

I think another thing that makes it so difficult for me to be with this transition is that I just can’t shake the feeling that Aaron is “the One.” My friend asked me recently what that means, and it gave me pause as I thought of past relationships in which I thought there was potential yet they were not the One.

My initial response to the query is that the One is the man who I know is everything I want in a lifelong romantic partner. And what is it that I want? He is someone who puts me at ease with his calming, grounded influence. He is able to listen past my self-doubts and remind me that I have much to give to the world. He is a solid communicator, comfortable with his sharing his emotions and powerful in using subtle actions to make a statement. He believes in his capacity to make a difference in the world, that his work might transform the lives of many. He believes in family and is okay with hanging out with my extended family. He is patient. He is kind. … He is the embodiment of Love. …

And I understand that to have the One be in my life, I have to be the One for him. …

Choosing to Accept

This morning, I woke up wondering why I still spend as much time thinking about Aaron as I do. I mean, shouldn’t I be over this by now?? :-/ Then, I realized: The problem isn’t that we fell out of love with each other nor that our relationship ended with bad feelings; rather, it is that we love each other and can’t physically be together right now. And for some reason, I saw this as a new opportunity to choose: Accept that we both love each other and can’t be together right now; or don’t accept that reality. …

This is different from the choice I thought the situation was foisting on me. I thought the situation meant continue loving him or stop loving him. I thought it meant hold on for the next four years or let this go forever. … No: Reality check is we love each other and we can’t be together in this moment in time. Accept this, and begin to have some semblance of peace. Or don’t accept this, and live with the stress of resistance. …

What Might Be Gained

As I was telling my boss today, what is causing my insomnia is that my mind is going at a mile a minute, and I can’t seem to turn it off. As “the one who was left behind,” I’ve allowed my default mindset about the situation to be about what’s no longer present in my life with Aaron gone. … No more warm embraces in the kitchen as he takes a break from cooking… No more walks to Safeway together… No more drives to Alameda for Hawaiian food… No more dressing (unintentionally) in complementary colors… No more taking the Emery Go Round to meet Aaron at work…

I’ve been so focused on what’s been lost in the transition that I haven’t really fully appreciated what might be gained from the experience. How many new places will I get to visit because of Aaron and his new mates? How many new memories might be created that we would not otherwise have? How many new opportunities are available for each of us as a result of this new focus on our selves? How much further can we go with our life goals as we travel our paths separately?

Yes, something special has been lost. Yet, how much more will be gained by taking advantage of the next four years to grow?

 

Getting Over It

Last night, I again didn’t get much sleep. It was only after listening to S Club’s “Say Goodbye” that I was able to have that cathartic cry that exhausted me enough to sleep.

I want to be over this. … I want to get over Aaron. That doesn’t mean that I stop loving him. It doesn’t mean that I still don’t feel in every part of my being that he’s “the One.” (And by “the One,” I mean that he is as close to everything I could ask for in a lifelong romantic partner.)

What it means to “get over this” is to have me get to a place of Balance again. It means finding the joy of my own company and taking responsibility for my own happiness.

And in getting over this, I will have enough perspective to truly know Aaron and to see whether or not he is indeed the one with whom I thought I would spend the rest of my life.

Confession

For me, confession isn’t about sharing some deep dark secret as a means of making myself feel better for some wrong I’ve committed. I think confession is an opportunity to just say what’s so. In so doing, I’m more connected to my life without all of my stories and crazy-making.

So I confess: I miss Aaron. I miss him so much that I can’t sleep. I wonder whether or not he thinks about me. I wonder if he’s moved on. I wonder if he remembers our two years together. I wonder if he still believes that there’s a future for us. I wonder if he still believes that I have a place in his life right here, right now.

I confess: I’m angry at him. I wanted him to fight for Us, even though we were already both challenged in attempting to maintain what kind of communication we were maintaining when he first moved to Glasgow, let alone a long-distance relationship. And in not fighting for Us, my mind went to the next “logical” place: I wasn’t worth fighting for. I wasn’t worthy enough, … which therefore, reinforces “the story of my life.”

I confess: I struggle day to day. I want to be able to be above these feelings that continue to be the mill stone around my neck. I want to be happy. I want to sincerely remember that there is one Life, one Spirit, one Love, and as long as I remember that, everything will work out the way it works out.

I confess: I don’t know how to love past the loss. I don’t know how to love through to the other side.

I confess: I’m just trying to keep going. …